- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
- Hey, we don't have any... - Okay.
Uh-huh. Uh, not a problem.
Y-you betcha.
No, not... not a problem.
Not one problem. Bye-bye.
- Okay, I got a big problem. - What's up?
This is like life or death.
Where would you rather stay:
at Dame Judi Dench's house on the Upper East Side
or Anderson Cooper's place downtown?
Still waiting for the "life or death" part.
I double-booked two house sitting gigs.
You... you gotta take one of them.
Please help your sister! Please!
I love Anderson Cooper. I'll do it.
Great, all you have to do is feed his fish.
Oh, no, no, no, no. That won't work.
Seriously?
You still have the fish problem?
I don't trust anything that doesn't blink.
- Paul will do it. - Are you sure?
Yeah, he loves Anderson Cooper
and he has no issues with fish.
Hello.
You're spending the night at Anderson Cooper's house.
- Okay. - Great. You're the best brother-in-law ever.
I just texted you the address.
I will meet you there at 5:00 p.m. with the keys.
I love you both! I will never forget this!
I'm sleeping at Anderson Cooper's house?
- Yep. - Is he gonna be there?
- Nope. - That makes much more sense.
So what's on your mind?
Okay, so I've been giving it some thought,
and I think I'm ready to take on a bigger patient load.
- You do, huh? - Well, yeah.
I think the last couple of weeks
I've really been hitting my stride,
and I know I have a long way to go, but...
do you know that guy?
What guy?
The guy you're staring at.
- Was I? - Kinda.
No, I wasn't staring.
But not too hard on the eyes, though, huh?
Fine, he's my...
don't you dare make fun of me.
I'm not.
Okay, he is my fantasy coffee husband.
- Your what now? - My fantasy coffee husband.
I see him here all the time.
I've got the whole thing worked out.
- He is a cardiologist. - Really?
Mm-hmm, and we live in Connecticut
with our three beautiful children:
Emily, Justine, and Marcus.
- I worry about that middle one. - Justine?
Yeah, she struggles a bit in school.
You've spent a lot of time thinking about this.
- Are you and Mark okay? - We're great!
Mark has a fantasy wife at the gym.
But it's fine.
They live in Jersey, so we never see them.
It's just a fun, meaningless little game
for both of us, that's all.
Okay.
So anyway, about my taking on some extra hours...
Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure.
Fine, whatever.
This is the remote for the TV,
and that's the remote for the cable,
and that's the remote for the sound system.
- All right. - Don't touch any of them.
- Okay. - Yeah, just ask the house.
You know, just say "house" and then whatever.
Welcome home, Anderson.
I hope you had a productive day.
- Anderson's not here! - Okay.
- That thing creeps me out. - Yeah.
Okay, don't sit in that chair.
- That's a museum piece. - Okay.
And if you sit on the couch, Paul,
don't keep picking the same spot.
You gotta distribute your ass evenly, you know?
Or else it'll make a dent. Or don't sit at all.
Don't sit. Got it, okay.
Can I stand, or is the floor off-limits too?
The floor is free-range.
Just no shoes. Socks only.
Yeah, well, that goes without saying.
Look at this guy. Gets his own place.
Yeah, I think that's his favorite.
Oh, so, every morning: two pellets for this guy
and 40 pellets for them.
Got it. 2, 40.
- Yep. - 2 for him, 40 for the team.
Wow, these are beautiful.
Yeah, that's $6,000 worth of fish right there.
Really? Wow, what are they made of?
Fish.
- Oh, okay. - Okay, so you good?
Yeah, yeah, cool.
Basically, whatever you feel like touching or doing, don't.
Don't do, don't touch.
One last thing: this door is really heavy,
so you really gotta slam it shut.
- Slam... - Thank you!
Yes!
Hee-hee!
Look at this.
Not too shabby, Buchman!
Oh, oh, hey.
- And don't try on his glasses. - Okay.
See that chair?
That's a chair I can't sit in.
Here's a guy on a horse I'm not allowed to touch.
You see all those things back there?
Also not allowed to touch.
Wow... oh, don't aim the camera at the fish.
- Sorry, my bad. - Oh, go back, go back.
- Are those his glasses? - Yep.
Those are Anderson Cooper's glasses.
Put 'em on.
No, sweetheart, I... I'm not supposed to.
Don't be a baby. Just put them on.
Really? Okay.
Whoa. Hello, Anderson.
I'm a big fan.
Why, thank you very much.
No, a very big fan.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
You know, as luck would have it,
my husband's away for a couple of nights
and I'm all alone here.
Really?
What are you... what are you wearing?
My white shirt.
Oh, yeah, 'cause I can see.
Okay, okay.
Can you see this?
Ooh.
Button number one...
button number two...
Oh, hold on, I've got another call.
I was taking off my top.
Let's not interrupt that.
Oh, of course... it's my mother.
- All right, call me back. - No, I'll call her back.
What if she fell or something?
No, it doesn't feel like a fall call.
Feels more like a "guess who I bumped into at the mall"
kind of thing.
So commence with the unbuttoning.
Two buttons done.
Moving to the third.
Ooh.
Oh, my... God, bless her, she's a persistent...
I'll call back!
- All right, so are you naked? - "Am I naked"?
- Oh! - What kind of question...
- I... I'll call you back! - Is she on hold?
- Yes. - All right, call me back.
Yes, Ma... uh, Ma, hi.
Uh, so what... what was so important?
So I'm at the mall. Who do I run into?
Grande almond milk cappuccino, please,
with an extra shot.
- Good morning. - Morning.
My friend's not here today.
Hey, I saw your fantasy husband.
- How did he look? - Pretty great, and very nice.
I see why you fantasy-married him.
Yeah... wait, what do you mean "he's nice"?
- Did you talk to him? - No, we didn't talk.
He said "good morning", I said "good morning".
- Like that, - Who said it first?
- Him or you? - I don't remember.
I... I think he said it first. Maybe I did.
Not on purpose. Our eyes met and...
Oh, your eyes met, now, did they?
No, no, I... I said "good morning".
Not even. Like, "g'morning".
Whatever.
Are you actually upset about this?
Why shouldn't I be?
You have waltzed, uninvited, into my fantasy life.
Now, whenever I close my eyes, there you'll be,
standing right between me
and him and the kids and the dogs.
- You have dogs? - Of course we have dogs.
A ranch house in Connecticut with that big-ass yard?
You think we wouldn't have some freakin' dogs?
I'm sorry.
Seriously, I promise: it will never happen again.
This is probably a bad time
to ask if you've given any thought
to the idea of me taking on more patients?
Copy... copy that.
House, uh, lights down 10%.
- Done. - Very nice.
Uh, house, make it, like, a... a little cooler in here.
Feel better?
Yes, I do.
House, bring... bring me a pashmina.
Come on, you know he's got one.
Okay. Hey, house, I'm gonna burp.
Sorry, I don't know that,
but I do know a game called "Funny Burps".
Me, too.
Watch.
Wow. I win.
Hey, Splinky.
Hey, hey, can I come over and see the place?
No can do.
Sorry, I'm not allowed to have any guests.
What do you mean you can't... ?
- No, I can't, 'cause - Of course, you can.
the house sees everything.
- Can't. - I'm giving permission.
- No, hang on a second, - Come on, five minutes.
I got somebody at the door.
I gotta see the... I gotta see his stove.
Huh? What? What... shoes, shoes!
- Take off your shoes! - All right, all right.
- All right, shoes. - "A stove"?
Who begs to see a stove?
Paulie, it was featured
in "Kitchen Appliance Monthly" last April.
Come on, just two minutes. I promise.
Okay, two minutes.
Wait, there's actually a magazine called that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like porn but for restauranteurs.
Oh, last month they featured a refrigerated prep table.
I swear, if it wasn't for Lucia,
I'd be dating it right now.
- How'd you know I was here? - Mark told me!
It came up in conversation.
- What... who told you? - Tonya.
Wait, okay... shoes, shoes!
Take off your shoes! Take off your shoes!
Holy Malloy!
- What a place! - What a stove!
Okay, okay, guys, listen,
I... I'm not supposed to be entertaining, here!
Don't worry, I just came to see his bathroom.
Oh, no, no, you cannot use his bathroom.
Not to use. Just to look.
What... what do you mean, "to look"?
Paul, what do Anderson Cooper and I have in common?
I don't want to be cruel.
You tell me.
We're both very pale-skinned, but he's really pale.
He's almost translucent.
I've heard it said that in 4K resolution,
you can actually see some of his internal organs.
So whatever he uses on his face, I need it.
I'm one face cream away from being Anderson Cooper.
Now, where's the bathroom?
Bathroom is upstairs, but we're not allowed.
- Knocky-knocky! - Marvin?
Marvin!
I hope you don't mind, but I parked in Anderson's space.
- What... how are you... - Oh, nice!
- What are you... - Nice, nice!
Okay, what are you doing here?
I'm driving across town and I stop at a light...
Shoes, shoes! Take off your shoes!
Man, you gotta see this guy's stove!
I'm driving across town, I stop at a light,
and who do I see but these two schmos?
And I say, "What are you doing?"
They say, "Paulie's staying at Anderson Cooper's.
Do you wanna come?" I say, "Do I?"
Come on, man! Anderson Cooper!
Okay, guys, listen, I'm not supposed to have...
Five minutes.
Just wanna check out his heating and air conditioning.
His heating? What are you... his heating?
Show him your card! Marvin, Marvin, show him your new card!
- Show him the new card! - I don't wanna brag, but... ooh.
"Marvin's Climate Change,
Largest Heating and Cooling Outfit
- In The Entire Tri-State Area"? - That's right.
I've come a long way since Buchman Sporting Goods.
How about that? Huh, huh?
Mr. Largest in the Tri-State Area now, huh?
Yeah, well, to be honest, it's just New Jersey,
- but, uh, nobody ever checks that shit. - Okay...
Man, you've gotta see this oven.
Marvin, you can... you can put a 50-pound turkey in there.
You know what, ovens aren't my thing,
but are you checking out this beautiful duct-work?
It's quality craftsmanship. It really is.
- Wait, wait... - Guys...
You've gotta come take a picture of me
with this thing, okay? It's so magnificent.
There's no way a selfie is gonna do justice to this scale.
- Come on... - Okay, okay...
- Holy Malloy! - Don't touch that!
Hey, hey, both of you, do not leave this room!
- Do you hear... do not! - Look at the fishies.
I love fishes!
Look at you.
Oh, oh.
Look at you.
All alone. All alone.
You probably wanna hang with the other fishes,
but they're not interested.
No, no, no.
You're feeling ostracized, aren't you?
And really alone,
and you're probably taking those feelings
and eating inappropriately
and doing other self-destructive activities.
Uh, just guessing.
Oh...
I'm gonna make things right.
Whoa, Marvin, what are you doing?
No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't!
Oh, oh!
Ah, sweet Jesus!
He's eating all the other fish!
No, no, no, you still got the other guy right in the...
oh, okay, that's... that's all of them.
Okay, this explains the other bowl.
Oh, take it, take it. Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Sweetie, you are a lifesaver.
Look at you... so brave.
Going into a fish store all by yourself.
Sweetie, eh, some of these fish look a little sketchy.
- How much were they? - $42.
$42 to replace $6,000 worth of fish.
I'm sure that's fine.
Wow, look at this place.
It's so Anderson-Coopery.
- Right? - Ooh.
Let me see these bad boys on you in person.
- You're so silly. - Come on, come on, come on.
- Here. - Wow.
Very nice.
What is that smell? You smell good.
That, my friend, is Anderson's face cream.
This is what Anderson Cooper smells like?
That would be my guess.
This plus whatever else he's got going on.
So if you're Anderson Cooper,
who am I?
- Oh, is this... - Come on.
You're Anderson Cooper, so I'm... it's your call.
Uh, I'm thinking you kind of have to be Christiane Amanpour.
Ah, hello, I'm Christiane Amanpour,
just back from assignment
- after I was granted entrance into Iran. - Mm-hmm.
I haven't been with a man in months.
I'm ready... so ready... to be with a man.
So am I,
and yet, in your case, I'll make an exception.
Mm.
_
Okay.
- So that happened. - It sure did.
I gotta say, it was pretty fantastic.
Anderson, it sounded like you were in distress.
- Should I call 911? - No.
You know, it... it may not have been Tahiti,
but I'm gonna say that was easily
the best half a minute of the last decade.
- We're back, baby. - Yes, we are.
You think I can borrow one of Anderson's T-shirts to sleep in?
I won't take a nice one. I'll grab a ratty one.
Although, he probably doesn't have ratty ones.
Were you thinking of staying over?
Yes, why?
No reason.
But, you know, we just had this really hot little quickie,
and the only way I could think to make it hotter, frankly,
would be to get rid of you.
You know, like, uh, "Thanks, babe.
I'll call you sometime, maybe". You know, like that.
Oh, this is my first walk of shame in a lot of years.
- I gotta say, I kind of like it. - Right?
- Animal. - Hmm.
- Okay. - You are so funny.
- What? - Seriously, I don't understand
why you wouldn't want to line them up right from the beginning.
Then, when you're ready to go, you put them on. You can go.
Let... let's get the walk of shame going, baby, okay?
- All right. - I love you.
- You, too. - See you tomorrow.
All right.
Oop, my jacket.
You forgot to put this one in.
What?
Don't worry about it! I did it!
What'd you say? Oh, oh!
No, no, no, no, no! Oh, oh.
How could you still be hungry?
- Hey, there. - Hello.
I was wondering, would you do me a huge favor
and say something to my friend when she gets here?
Excuse me?
Just a "hello" or "how are you"?
- It would mean a lot. - I'm not following.
So my friend Tonya...
probably shouldn't have told you her name.
She would hate that.
Anyway, she's been going through a bit of a rough patch,
and just one stranger saying hello...
it would make a big difference.
Please?
- I guess so. - Thank you, thank you.
How's it going?
- What did you do? - Nothing.
- Did you tell him to talk to me? - No.
Did she ask you to say hello to me?
I didn't ask you to say anything, right?
What did she say? Tell me.
Okay, you know what?
I can't do this anymore.
I don't think he's right for you.
- It's nice to have you home. - So nice to be home.
Although, I gotta say, a little bit of an adjustment.
I just said, "House, make me a sandwich".
- Nothing. - Turns out I missed you.
I missed you too.
- Sweetie, come on. - Otherwise it gets all cakey.
- Yeah, I was gonna wipe it when I'm done. - I know.
It's just sometimes you don't, so I thought I would.
- And very often I do. - I didn't mean to insult you.
- I'm not insulted. - Okay.
But I gotta tell you,
best part of Anderson Cooper's place?
Two whole days... I wasn't wrong once.
- Whoa. - Yeah.
No, I'm just saying, it... it was nice
to be my own boss for a minute.
Okay, just to be clear, I'm your boss
and the great decider of when you're right and wrong?
Got it.
That was not at all what I was saying.
I wonder who you might be confusing me with?
Hmm, let's see: what other important woman in your life...
- No, no, no. - Who possibly, as you were growing up,
told you what to do and who you spent your whole life
trying to please might you be confusing me with?
Well, first of all, I wasn't trying to "please" you.
Well, I'm super not pleased,
so you're hitting it out of the park.
Look, all I was saying...
Look, it's okay
that you enjoyed being alone for two days.
- I didn't. - I did.
You what?
You don't think I enjoyed some time alone?
A couple of days apart from you?
- Of course I did. - Really?
Are you kidding? I loved it.
- Okay, I did too. - Well...
- Like, a lot. - So good.
No, no, but, I mean, really liked it.
Okay, great. So just say that.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
"You didn't want to hurt my"...
what am I, some porcelain doll who's gonna...
I'm sorry, is it, like, a bad thing now
to be considerate of your feelings?
It's not you being considerate of my feelings.
That's you being afraid of upsetting me.
No, not... because I love you.
- I love you too. - Okay, all right.
Well, good.
So why would I want you to be hurt?
I'm just saying, do me the courtesy
of saying what's on your mind and stop walking on eggshells.
- It's insulting. - Okay, I got it.
I'm a big girl, and I can handle whatever it is
you think is gonna break me.
- Watch. Go. - What?
Say something that you're afraid to tell me
and watch how I'm still here.
- Go ahead. - Oh, this is a great game.
It's right up there with "roll me in broken glass
and kick me in the balls".
- Yeah. - We'll play that later.
My game first. Go ahead.
Do you want me to help you start?
Okay, you don't like when I tell you how to put your shoes.
Got it.
Still don't see why you don't want to
put them the right way, but whatever.
You don't like it. Got it.
What else?
How about this?
Stop hawking you about the mustard.
Fair enough. I got it. What else?
- I don't... - Come on. Really?
There's nothing else about me that you don't like?
Okay... okay, here you go:
sometimes you start humming a song,
and then you switch, like, to another song,
and you don't... you don't even realize
it's two separate songs.
Really? This bothers you?
Not that much, no.
Actually, it's kind of adorable.
Jesus, you've gotta get better at this.
All right, all right all right, you want one?
Yes, good. What?
Okay, here you go: sometimes...
sometimes, I'm saying...
you can be a bit short with people.
- Like... like strangers, mostly. - Really?
Yeah, no, you're a little curt.
Curt sometimes.
Like with waiters.
Or, you know what, actually?
It's waitresses more than waiters.
It's... it's not a big deal, but you asked.
No, it's okay. I don't have to love it.
I don't think you're right, but okay. What else?
Well, you know, actually, that's... that's a big one.
Waitresses?
Not waitresses, but just, you know, people in general.
Oh, so now it's everyone I'm awful to?
I didn't say you were awful. I'm just saying, you...
you can be a certain way with people that sometimes...
it's, you know, a lot less pleasant than maybe you think.
- I see. - Oh, okay.
You know, 'cause I do a lot of damage control, by the way.
Things you don't even know about.
- Really? - Yes.
Like what? With who?
- Doesn't matter with who. - Yes, it matters.
- You can't accuse me of that... - I'm not accusing.
I'm simply saying I've noticed...
Oh, that is such a dirtbag move.
You drop that on me and then you say
"I have noticed"?
No, but you asked me, and I'm saying yes.
You have a way about you
that you can be dismissive of people sometimes.
Yeah, and I don't know, maybe you don't see it
or maybe you don't care... which I don't even know
which is worse, to tell you the truth...
but I've just gotten used to it, you know?
I guess 'cause you do that with me all the time.
- I do what? - This, this.
Yes, you... you expect everybody
and everything to be a certain way,
and when it's not, you just... you look at us like,
"What's wrong with you? Why don't you get it?"
Yeah, you look at me like that all the time... all the time.
I'll ask you a question. It's a simple question.
A silly, you know...
"What are we doing Saturday night?"
And, yeah, maybe you did tell me the day before
and maybe I forgot.
Guess what? People forget, you know?
Uh, by the way, good luck with the next 30 years.
That's gonna be a treat.
But, yeah, you do.
You do this thing where...
you don't even have to say anything,
but I... it's in your eyes.
I'm telling you, there's a thing in your eyes.
It's like this impatience.
This constant state of irritation,
like everybody's irritating you,
and I'm telling you, it's brutal.
It's brutal.
And you can tell me that I'm projecting this
and, okay, maybe you're not thinking all these things,
but I'm telling you: yeah, you are.
You are... and even if you're not,
that's how it feels to me.
How about this: do you know... do you know why?
Why I don't say everything that bothers me
exactly when it's bothering me?
Because that's what feels right to me, you know?
I'm not saying it's right or wrong or better or worse,
but apparently that's what I seem to do, okay?
And, yeah, it's not always gonna line up
exactly with how you would do it
or how you wish everybody else in the world
who's not you would do it.
Because if you do say everything that's on your mind,
you know what?
A lot of shit will get said
that probably should never be said.
You want an example? Here you go.
Here you go: Mabel was five years old.
Remember she ran into the kitchen counter there?
She had to get stiches on her lips
and you felt so horrible
and you thought it was your fault
and I said, "Don't be silly. No, it's not your fault".
Guess what?
I wasn't being really honest there
'cause I wasn't 100% that it wasn't your fault.
I'm still not sure that wasn't your fault.
Should I say that?
Is there any value... what possible good
would come out of me saying that to you?
Tell me, 'cause personally, I don't see it.
Do you?
Okay, now what?
Well, well, well.
Look who's back.
House, alarm on.
Alarm activated.
♪ Yeah ♪